Perception-A Personal Reality

Thought's Running Through My Head

I wrote this over a week ago and tucked it away. I thought today would be a good day to post it. I'm not sure why? Maybe someone out there needs to hear it today.

July/16/2012

Sometimes things just pop into your head. That's me-most of the time. Especially since I spend 3/4 of all my days alone. I am angry the most that I can no longer drive. Driving has always equaled freedom. Freedom to just hop in the car and go. I miss that so much. I see B. Mark & Boo hop into their vehicles and go. They have no clue just how lucky they are. Mostly because we all take little things for granted. That is until their gone.

I have been trapped inside my home for several yrs now. Not that my precious family hasn't tried getting me out into the world. But for some reason, my backwards thinking lol. My home is like the sea. The outside is the beach. If you put a fish from the sea onto dry land it will flip and flop in desperation to return to the sea. That is my analogy of myself. Once I realized I could not drive any more-what was there left to do? I mean really. I'm home and I have no way to get any where. Again not that my family has not tried on their days off. I think they finally gave up asking me. Who can blame them?

It's funny. Sometimes I express my anger at not being able to do things. What things would I do? I haven't a clue. It's the principle of the matter here. Anyway's, back on track. B. Mark and sometimes Boo-will make a comment when I'm expressing this anger. Like, well get out there and do something, volunteer, etc. Really? How the heck am I supposed to do that? Then I sometimes calmly remind them that I can't drive any more! And what they and others do not realize it's not the fact that they try-God love em. But that because when you lose a freedom like this, rather you like it or not, you become a part of your environment. I stay in the house so much-that to me this has become normal to me. Get me outside and panic ensues!

It's kind of what happened with B. Mark but on a grander scale as he was fighting for his life. But the perception you see can be misleading. This happened when B. Mark was coming out of his coma 6 1/2 yrs. ago. he had lived and breathed over 6 weeks via a ventilator. Mark's body had begun to finally start healing enough-that The Dr's said it was time to slowly wake B. Mark up!! When the therapist tried very slowly over several days to wing B. Mark off of the ventilator he would panic! BP went up, anxiety went up, everything seemed to go up every time they tried this. I finally had to ask why was this happening. Why couldn't Mark just start breathing on his own.

The therapist explained that sometimes patients perceive and believe that they can no longer breath on their own. Mark's ocean (fish allegory) was the ventilator.The dry beach was where  B. Mark would flip and flop. As he believed that the ocean was the safest place to be. In reality he as I had it backwards.

The therapist tried and tried to help Mark get off the ventilator but to no avail. I was called in and told that B. Mark would have to be sent to a "facility" for those who needed to stay on the ventilator longer. Even though the therapist and I and all the Drs. knew Mark could breath without it. Mark didn't believe it.

So I went into ICU and calmly talked to Mark. yes, he's in a coma. But I am a firm believer that coma patients can hear you. So I went over to Mark's bed. I told Mark that I knew he was scared of letting go of his life line. But that he could and he needed to try. I assured him nothing bad would happen and if he panicked we were all right there to up the respirator. Then a wonderful thing happened a few days later. I walked into his room in ICU and the therapist is smiling. She says to me-guess what! I'm like what! She said that Mark took 3 breaths on his own in an hour! Now that may seem insignificant to some. But this was a break through! Mark tried breathing on his own and he did! We still had a long way to go but at least Mark's perception was changing. The day finally came when the very happy wife, therapist Dr's & nurses watched as the ventilator was removed from B. Mark's room.

How in the world did this all play into me not being able to drive! I guess it's because most of us have a false perception in our lives. Where the abnormal somehow becomes normal to us. I am no where close into how I am going to try and change my perception and realize that the beach is the real world and that I can survive it.

It's a journey, so I'll try and post the progress.

Until next time....Donna