Monday, May 24, 2010
This picture is how I feel. The rain, the storm is where I am right now.
Today I was supposed to see my Dr. My diabetes is not good-and I take 2 different insulin's a day. I wanted to talk to him about the depression and changing my meds. But none of that happened. Why? Because I couldn't fit my fat butt into my jeans! Yep that's it. I was devastated. I knew I had been gaining weight-but I felt like I was starting to lose some of the weight. Nope, they were really tight. I crawled into bed and just stared at the wall. I finally went to sleep. Now I'm sitting here wondering what to do next. I feel lost. Over a pair of jeans that were to tight? No, it was just the straw that broke the camels back.
I have S.A.D.-social anxiety disorder. I have only been out of the house 3 times in the last 3 months. I have missed family birthday parties, holidays with family etc... My husband Mark has been without a job for a year now. As many, many other family's are as well. I am disabled physically and cannot work. I cannot even try for social security because I spent the last 9-10 years home schooling our daughter. So therefore I don't have enough "credits" to apply for SS. So I cannot even help my sweet husband out. It hurts me too see him try and try to get a job. I am so very thankful for the unemployment that he gets-it's just our bills always seem to be more than the checks. I have been disabled for a while now-but my weight had always been the same with-which was still being over weight. But the scale had never moved up ward for many, many years. I am wondering why now? What's going on with my body? Why such a drastic change? I truly wish I knew the whole answer. We have no medical insurance-everything is out of pocket. We have tried to go through channels for financial help-medically. So far we are either over qualified or under qualified-What! Makes no sense to us. We have one more appointment to try and get medical help-our appointment is June 8th. This is the last open door for help medically. Please if you read this entry-pray that the doors would be open for all our medical needs which are numerous. I am so afraid something will go wrong and we won't get help. I truly don't know what will happen to us if this doesn't work. There is so much more I want to journal about-but I just feel so over whelmed right now. I will try again later today.
Blessings and love to all her in blogger land.
Friday, May 14, 2010
Our daughter Brittany aka Boo is our social butterfly. She lives life 100% of every day. She has been this way since the day she was born. When we started going to church she was 4. What I'm about to share is 100% truth. Because Brittany loves everyone. We had to be at church an hour early each Sunday morning. Because that's how long it took Brittany to hug everyone :). She hugged as they came into the Sanctuary & go down every pew to not miss one person.
So I added my memories from a letter that circulated around the web years ago. I know I am not the only Mom who has shared the love of their children. I hope after reading this you will share yours with us. I know I would be proud to read them. Or take mine and add your own thoughts and memories.
To My Daughter Brittany.
Just for this morning, I am going to step over the laundry, and pick you up and take you to the park and play.
"You were always so irresistible with your warm smile, holding your arms up for me to pick you up & play. So it was easy to forget the laundry to bundle you up and take you to the park. Your joyous laughter was contagious and made the day much happier. Thank you my sweet daughter-for showing me the important things in life and letting go of things that would always be there."
Just for this morning, I will leave the dishes in the sink, and let you teach me how to put that puzzle of yours together which we'd eventually get to :).
"When I read this it makes me smile Ü. You loved to do dishes. I always had to set up your own soapy water, rinse bowl and towel station to put your dishes on. Although not always the most spotless-just seeing that beaming smile and hands going up saying ta-da! Made me laugh." lol.
Just for this afternoon, I will unplug the telephone and keep the computer off.
I'll sit with you in the backyard and blow bubbles. Oh Boo how many,many hours did we spend letting everything else go, just so we could play with bubbles! The swirling, the rainbow colours, and to see how big we could make them lol. Then there was the forever chasing of them and laughter filling the air."
Just for this afternoon, I will not yell once, not even a tiny grumble when you scream and whine for the ice cream truck and I will buy you one if he comes by.
This I wish I had done more. Stopped myself from being to busy with things that would still be there long after you were grown. I wish I had of grabbed your hand more and ran with you towards the Ice Cream truck seeing you smile as I tell you to pick out what ever you wanted. Promise me you will do more of this with your children, and remember me Ü.
Just for this afternoon, I won't worry about what you are going to be when you grow up, or second guess every decision I have made where you are concerned.
This was a simple thing for us Ü. because we would lay on a blanket look at the sky and just dream, dream, dream. Never expectations of one thing. You could never pick just ONE thing to be anyways LOL. But guilty am I for fussing and second guessing my decisions-I could have relaxed more lol.
Just for this afternoon, I will let you help me bake cookies, and I won't stand over you trying to fix them.
Well, this was never a problem lol. After the first time of you making/baking cookies, you took charge Ü. It was ME helping YOU bake the cookies after that."
Just for this afternoon, I will take us to McDonald's and buy us both a Happy Meal. Just so you can have both toys.
OK what's there to say about Mickey D's LOL!
Just for this evening, I will hold you in my arms and tell you a story about how you were born and how much I love you.
OMG how many times have we shared that moment together Ü. Even way into your teens. I'd rub your head, play with your hair and retell the story of your precious birth and the love that just spilled out of me and never stopped.
Just for this evening, I will let you splash in the tub all you want and not get angry or rush you.
Yes, many full and irritating days spilled over to the end of the day including bath time. I'm sorry Boo. I should have spent more quality time playing and splashing around with you in the tub. Make sure you slow down with your children during bath time and teach them how to make big splashes to soak Mommy Ü.
Just for this evening, I will let you stay up late while we sit on the porch and count all the stars.
One of our favorite things to do. To sit on the porch and talk about everything while just looking at the stars and listening to the cricket and frogs make music. All along the hours just floating by.
Just for this evening, I will snuggle beside you for hours, and miss my favorite TV shows.
Yes, will snuggle on the couch or the bed together. Will have our favorite books out and read together. One of our favorite things to do.
Just for this evening when I run my finger through your hair as you pray.
I will simply be grateful that GOD has given me the greatest gift ever given. I am still doing this. And you are my greatest gift.
I will think about the mothers and fathers who are searching for their
missing children, the mothers and fathers who are visiting their children's graves
instead of their bedrooms, and mothers and fathers who are in hospital rooms
watching their children suffer senselessly, and screaming inside that they can't
handle it anymore.
And when I kiss you good night I will hold you a little tighter, a little
longer. It is then, that I will thank GOD for you, and ask Him for nothing,
except one more day ....
I love you Brittany with all my heart. Forever and beyond.
1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.
2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Saturday, May 8, 2010
I opened up blogger and saw that it has been almost a year since my last journal entry. I wanted to share a new journal called "Confessions Of A Binge Eater." Please come by and say hello.
I will start reading & saying hi too everyone's journals tomorrow.
Here is the link