Sunday, May 24, 2009

The Real Me

At this present time I am trying to come up with a title for this post. I hope writing it will give me the right inspiration.

Why a mime mask? Well, for many years now I have suffered from clinical depression, social anxiety disorder, panic & anxiety attacks. I have my ups and down-good days weeks and my bad days and weeks.

This pictured mask is a visual aid for me. I can't tell you how many mask I have but it is numerous.

For me I was afraid to let others know how I was really feeling. At church I wore my mask of happy to see you, glad to be here etc. Inside I was so deeply sad and scared. I was mostly scared that I wouldn't be able to pull it off. I was afraid they would be able to see through my mask, or that I would let it slip how I felt. I became very good after years of practice. Every where I went I had a different mask for different occasions. I did try and show a "few" family members and a close friend years ago what I looked & felt like-it didn't go well. My family was petrified that depression was contagious! Yes, they really believed this. It took them close to 6 months before they would come around. Even when they did, they looked like a slinky cat too afraid to get close or to ask how I was doing. So I learned to put the I'm ok mask on for them, smiling like all was ok. I was laughing on the outside for others and crying on the inside.

My husband is amazing. I have always been able to just be myself around him. He has been by my side every step of the way. Mark truly is my knight in shining armor. Yes, of course there are some chinks in the armor as he is only human. But it's amazing to have that kind of love and support through all of this.

Recently I went through a very bad patch. Mark's has not been a rose garden either. After 7 years with a company he was laid off almost 2 months ago. He loved his job. Since then it seems as if no one is hiring. We get the Sunday paper and look through the classified and I kid you not 98% are for out of state work. Our son Lil Mark has been out of a job for 4 months now. They have 2 babies to worry about! So Lil Mark has gotten very discouraged and depressed. I do try and encourage him but lately it's not enough.

Big Mark is 44 and starting over is scary. We are just 1 family among the millions in the same boat-feeling the same way. Right now we just take it one day at a time-and that's good enough.

I know this is not a happy entry but it's a part of my life and of me. I know there are probably others who feel the same way. I just wanted to post this and let others know that they are not alone.

HUGS to all~Donna


Missie said...

I can understand what you're going thru. My daughter has panic and anxiety attacks, also has bouts of depression.

Have a happy Memorial Day!

ADB said...

Hi Donna,
Thanks for letting us in on some personal thoughts; I hope your husband can soon find a new job.

Sybil said...

Hi Donna, It is good to read of others who were a bit like me wearing different masks....with me I try to pretend I am someone else...not really me...that way I have managed to get through many sitations that I couldn't ave being me !! that seems so daft to other people I know..but thats how it is..People in general think I am a great out going person who loves life....if only they really knew...Thankfully I have at least one person who can see the "real"
me and so I can be ME with them x
Love Sybil xx